Student receives $150,000 scholarship for amazing talent (by Tommy Wilde '21)

Tommy Wilde '21
We are very pleased to announce that last week, one of our very own St. Francis students received an exciting scholarship offer from one of the top colleges in the country. The student in question was playing a game of basketball outside when a college recruiter from a very prestigious university witnessed him display his incredible talent.
While our student was talking a break, he spun the basketball on the tip of his finger for at least three and half seconds. The college recruiter was so impressed he immediately offered the student a full ride scholarship and all the money in his wallet. We got a chance to talk to this recruiter where he said, “I was truly amazed by this child’s abilities and I would be terrified to imagine another school getting their hands on them.”  
 
Sure, it probably only takes a couple hours to do the same trick for twice as long, but I bet you have never seen anyone do it. What, you think just because you have seen it in movies it’s not that unique of a talent? Sorry if I have to be the first one to tell you that the film industry is a fraud, but never trust the media. 
 
The student in question requested to stay anonymous. He was concerned he would be requested to do the “stupid trick” every time they were in the vicinity of a basketball.  
 
We understand there may be some confusion; we would like that clarify that this student will not be playing college sports in any capacity. This particular student possesses no other redeeming qualities that catch the interests of college approval officials.  
 
We would once again like to congratulate our very talented student and wish them luck at university next year—he is going to need it.

Note: This is satire.

    • Photo: The moment that started it all (Tommy Wilde ’21)

    • Photo: Quite possibly the actual moment that started it all, not sure tbh (Andrew Yatzkan ’21)

St. Francis High School

2130 W. Roosevelt Road, Wheaton, IL 60187
Phone (630) 668-5800
Fax (630) 668-5893